an EVIL who hides behind the face of a FRIEND

 

 

‘Keep your FRIENDS close but your ENEMIES closer…’ one of the most memorable lines from the movie ‘the Godfather’. 

 

funny…after several years this movie has been shown, the same line has been one of ‘the most sought after’ virtue that many people have learned the hard way.  you could almost line up this phrase together with ‘Conficiuos book of wisdom’ and ‘the old golden rule book’….

 

i for one…learned that ‘keeping your FRIENDS and ENEMIES closer is a must rule in life.  BUT the art of picking ENEMIES amongst FRIENDS is one of the most fundamental factoid that i have to master.’

 

just like a shepherd with 100 sheeps to take good care of…but you have to have keen eyes to look for that ONE wolf who pretends to be a sheep….

 

isnt it that the greatest leaders in history books were betrayed by their so-called ‘best friends’?  one great example is Julius Caezar.  The Great Roman Emperor who single handedly rule almost half of the world during his lifetime.Sstabbed from the back by his bestfriend aptly named Brutus.  OUUUUCCCHHH!

 

Lets go biblical.  How bout Jesus Christ….betrayed with a simple kiss by his right hand, Judas, simply because of a few gold shillings for his pocket.  Now, the act of betrayal is better known as ‘the deadly kiss’….

 

3 hours and 54 minutes has passed….im now officially 29 and as i harbour my thoughts for the year that has passed…it made me realize that NOT all friends will stay as friends.  a realization that i have to take…like a bitter pill that i have to swallow.

 

it came to a boiling point that a friend could hurt you more than an enemy will do.  it bleeds not just skin deep….but deep within where it will hurt more…the heart.

 

i have a friend once (or i thought SHE was a friend) till a single scenario that has changed my whole life.  its like a plot in a hollywood movie wherein you have trusted her with your life…but then at the end of the day…i come to realize, she is slipping tiny poisonous drops on my milk…killing me softly…day after day.

 

its like an episode of a korean drama soap wherein the king were slowly killed by the head chef of the palace.  the king has trusted that his disciples are taking good care of him, but behind the obedient smiles lies a true evil shadow.

 

i havent heard from her since then.  she doesnt even tried to call me at the phone nor tried to explain herself.  i was crying alll day and night of the scenario that i dont know how can i get through. 

 

a scenario that she has IRRESPONSIBLY begun…. a scenario that is killing me day after day after day.

 

as i looked back…of the days of merriment and camaraderie (?)…i found myself gripping at the dark, searching for answers on ‘why does she has to do this to me?’

 

have i done something to make her hate me….

 

or i havent been too vocal of what i have done for her behind her back….a job, a future, a tommorrow…and more than that ……friendship. 

 

things that i have provided her without asking anything in return.

 

i would admit that im not a perfect friend as well.  inside the four corners of a business office, im a leader who knew where i would like to go. i work hard because i want the people behind me to gain a future for themselves. 

 

i work hard and showed an iron fist at times.  if i have made them feel miserable, i begged for forgiveness for im just doing my job and building a future for the company and ourselves.  i may have slightly stepped on their toes…but i have purposely done it for them to realize that they have to do their  end of the deal.

 

i may have pricked them a couple of times to wake them up of their duties and remain standing at all times.

 

if ive been harsh….its because im fulfilling their dreams and setting goals for them to reach.

 

but beyond the doors, im a friend who would take up a good fight if they were treated unfairly by anyone…including their boyfriends.

 

im a friend who would give them a shelter in times of trouble.

 

im a friend who would run the next 99 miles if they cant make the next few steps….

 

im a friend and i would die today still thinking of her and trying to understand what she has done.

 

but i guess, any books should end.  as i draw the last chapter of our so-called friendship, i come to realize, im not a an evil bastard after all….i still care for her.

 

but we wouldnt be friends anymore.

 

sad……

 

** orginally posted last September, 2007 from my old blog www.allanworld.i.ph

marimar, microwave, spanish bread and the night i almost burned a building (a comedy)

 

 

 

The security guard came rushing in… ‘sira, na ba?’

 

With his unseen eyebrows all crossed around his forehead. Then, the head of security appeared while clutching his huge red logbook… * he sniffed.  he smelled something has just burned.

 

i raised my hand…grinned…and said ‘ako po..’

 

guilty as charged.

 

and before you create stories in your head, let me tell you the full story on a night i almost burned a building.

 

it was an hour before my shift.  im a bit hungry so i pulled out one of the spanish bread i brought in the office.  i love spanish bread.  its creamy, sweet and affordable (only 2 pesos per bread).

 

as i plump it in the microwave, set the timer in 2 minutes and go straight to the choco machine…i was immediately hooked at the new TV series flashing in the tube.  Its a pinoy version of a mexican telenovela which i have learned to love during pre-puberty years.  “marimar” sets the tone and stories in local TV-landia – fast phased, riveting and utterly enjoyable.  i reminisce Thalia’s first concert which me and my aunt watched at the CCP.  Even if she didnt say any word of english, i got one hell of a time.    She was so popular in the Philippines by that time, it saved a local network namely RPN 9 and she had major concert wherein almost 90% of her repertoire are in mexican that no one even bothered.  i dont care as long as i am watching Thalia in person..AWWWW!  heres a snip of her own renditon of a Tagalog melody NANDITO AKO

 

 

UNTIL a friend of mine noticed huge chunks of smoke out from the microwave

 

i immediately run towards the machine and opened its doors.  i forgot…..i overheat the bread and burned.

 

the security rushed in.  then in less than 2 minutes, the story catapulted from a burned bread to burning of the building.  They even tagged the poor microwave as ‘broken’ even without trying. other employees cant use the microwave since they dont know if its really broken.  Arrrghhhhh!  I even overheard one of the staff that it is was a guys first time to use a microwave that’s why it’s a huge disaster…. ME A VIRGIN MICROWAVE USER.  You got to be kidding me!!  i was just inside the pantry, observing every details after the ‘small accident’

 

good thing the microwave is not broken.  we could still use it as of the time being.  and i have learned how words can passed from one mouth to another. 

 

that if i accidentally tripped and bumped my head in the windows, the story would have been different if it is passed from one source to another.  they may have versions of i am smashing building window or trying to jump from the 36th floor. jeeezzz!!!

 

What if I screamed inside a restroom because I saw a slimy little green insect… hmmm.. they would have versions that I saw GODZILLA while peeing!!! Ay que horror!

 

its just the simplicity of the context that makes it all dark funny.

the END of SUMMER (butterfly kisses, lies and text messages)

It was almost like the movies…the very first rain drizzles all over the metro.  The evening news headlined ‘Summer is almost over’ and so thus the summer fling that started and ends with a simple text message.

 

I’m such a tacky hopeless romantic guy who still dreamt of love in almost every possible way.  I could still remember the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’ by Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks which blossomed in the cyber space until they finally agreed to meet.

 

But in this case, it blossomed through text messages.  I’m no longer a stranger to this kind of scenario since not so long ago,.. I fell in love with a guy whom I completely knew ONLY by text.  I didn’t met him in person but almost pushes me to the brink of madness and despair.  (you could still read it in my archives,  start digging at the last pages of my blog and read how much I was shattered by such stupidity and how I claim myself back to the world of the living). 

 

Since then, I promised myself that I wouldn’t enter such frantic scenario ever again.

 

Till today…

 

I don’t know what led me (maybe the tone of the text messages, camaraderie, awfully sweet messages, jokes and banters or the attention of details to know me more sweeping me off my feet), but one thing is for sure, I almost fall in love.

 

(before I continue this post, and if ever your reading this blog.  Don’t worry Mister, I wouldn’t divulge your personal information.)

 

Then, the night you decided to tell me who you really are. 

 

 

A ‘SINGLE’ information that you should have told me right from the very start.

A ‘SINGLE’ phrase that you hide from me

A ‘SINGLE’ fact in which I could have saved myself.

 

YOU’RE NO LONGER SINGLE.

YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

 

I almost choked when I read your message through YM.  I could almost hear the love balloons popped in my head.  It’s as if I was slapped by an Arab with hands as thick as a Nara tree.  Then, I scrolled on your forwarded messages which I have kept in my mobile phone:

 

‘We can love someone and just be happy about it even of we know that it cannot last forever.  It is not about having someone.  It is not about owning a relationship, it is just about being happy because you know you have loved someone.  There is a purpose and meanings to develop you as a person and a lover.  Whatever relationship you have in your life now, they are precisely the ones you need at this moment.’

 

Why didn’t I saw the signs?

Why am I too blinded to see?

 

I have read his profile and it hailed ‘SINGLE’ as its main status.  I wouldn’t have exchange messages with him if I knew he was no longer free.  I should have asked him again but I just trusted a profile which he uploaded.  He even gave his full name and his job, I guess I was smitten by such great notion of a guy who revealed himself even in the cyberworld.  Reality bites me in the ass and got no one else to blame but ME.

 

I almost forgot that ‘anonymity in cyber space is the ONLY identity’.

 

What pisses me off and I can’t forgive myself is, I started to like the guy even I haven’t seen the shape of his shadow.  ARRRGGHHH!

 

A pathetic fool I am but nevertheless, I thank you for being honest. 

 

My friends gave me the reason to smile and this is what they have to say:

 

‘Mas mabuti na yung nalaman mo na agad kesa naman lokohin ka niya. And wag mo nang problemahin yan…and dami daming lalake dyan na mas deserving’ – Nicky

 

‘Its OK to be naïve.  Its part of being human.  May we learn from our mistakes hence you should not do it again.  TANGA KA NA NYAN!’ – gerosan

 

‘Basta puso and nagsalita nagiging tanga din tayo.  Hahahaha!  Pero may tama ka na sana sinabi na niya before pa para wala kang ine-expect’ – kenshirou

 

‘stop exchanging messages with him baka matuluyan ka pa ma fall’ – cute cub

 

Your last text message still lingers in my mobile:  Can we keep each other as friends?

 

We should have been ‘just friends’ if right from the start you told me that you’re in a relationship.   We could have been friends.  I should have taken some reservations right from the start.  But the fact remains that I’m deeply hurt and the only way for me to forget everything is just taking my steps away from you.

 

The rain started to fall. The cool breeze starts to whisper. But it seems the air is far colder than I expected. It’s the end of summer and its raining on my parade.

 

** originally posted in May 9, 2007 at my old blog www.allanworld.i.ph

the LAST goodbye…

 

 

 

for the past few months, I have been emotionally attached with a guy whom I thought I would hold his hands forever…

 

sure he is not perfect…which I have learned to accept.  He is a writer and a professor at the same time.  Plus a full scholar in a well known university.  he just finished his thesis and from what I’ve heard from him, it was a success.  but dating a writer has its own dilemma – they love their computers rather than humans.

 

and it seems they are living on a world they have created. ika nga ‘may sariling mundo’

 

I admit that we have our shortcomings…and we have learned to admit that both has its own special ways that we learned to love and missed.

 

pero for several months… mga 5 to 6 months na on and off relationship…(and cherish the days na magkasama kami…well siguro mga ilang times lan yun pero at least…im comfortable and dont have to prove anything pag kasama ko siya…)

 

until … such time that I felt nothing and puzzled why…

 

maybe perhaps that time and schedule has been difficult for both of us.  our ideas are way different and we don’t share a common goal. 

 

…the last good bye that I have with him over the phone gave me an idea that we are not really for each other…

 

I’m not in pain

I’m not broken hearted

and I did not feel anything

…even remorse

 

weird

siguro, some things are not meant to be together

 

but its far more better that I have to let go for we may both find ourselves a little bag of happiness… freedom.

 

YES …  I admit … I have learned to love him.  At least I knew that I tried to work things out…kaya lang…hanggang dun na lang yun….

 

dont get me wrong…I’m not shedding tears…nor am I sad.  It’s a feeling that I cant even explain…its as if I’m in peace… calm and peaceful.

 

as you thread your way to China, Mike, I just want you to know that I wish you the best on what the future may bring.  and how I may hope that we will find each other on loving arms of another guy who could love us behind our little craziness. 

 

and someday…we would could sing a beautiful ballad ‘I remember the boy but I don’t remember the feeling anymore’

 

** originally posted last May 1, 2007 at my old blog www.allanworld.i.ph

the X convenience

‘Convenience’ is the word that defines the modern day living.  We thrive for simplicity of life with the complexities modern day living brings.

 

Here are a few examples.

 

BEFORE, we communicate through conversations then to hand-written letters sent to love ones from a nearby town. 

 

Kings and Queens use the written language for memorandum or a new law, invitation for parties (remember how Cinderella were informed of the Prince BIG party at the palace… “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!”) and even people who were hunted by law with gold coins on their head once captured (pretty much the same today.. hehe! ). 

 

Then the first Christmas card were created…

 

Then telephones to internet

 

From cyberspace then pagers to mobile phones – communication right at your finger tips.

 

Yup…

 

Things had never been the same.  And the common need of any individuals on the 20th century has changed drastically. 

 

We had ATM’s rather going to the bank. 

 

We have convenient stores on every corner of our street….

 

‘Convenience’ has been written everywhere

 

But what may have positively applied for advanced way of life CANNOT be applied to relationships.

 

It was hard hitting news as I ponder on the restroom while taking my daily ‘poop’.  (Yup, I ponder a lot on those minutes when ‘nature calls’ and magically, it lightens up my load and my head…as if I have released the worlds answer to depression).

 

Once you were an ‘X’, and we retain the so-called ‘friendship’, I just cant help but wonder, am I another ‘convenient buddy either for sex or a partner’ for a so called ‘X’?

 

I’m like Sherlock Holmes, trying to unravel a mysterious scenario at the ole mystery creek.

 

After the break-up, me and Mike (Kho Lim) still text once in awhile.  He is still inviting me through movies, but of course not because I am trying to avoid him, but because December is a mud slide of schedules. 

 

Then, another invitation followed.  Wherein Ill get to meet his friends in Rockwell where they will have little get-together.  Since I cannot be able to go to point A from point B, I bargained for a meet-up in Malate.  But I guess it was all mixed-up since we are both waiting for each others text. 

 

Then a call this Christmas wishing he was with me.  Missing me….  Sweet!  ( I almost forgot that I have had dated a writer)

 

 

 

I started to ask questions which was bugging me for several days, why is he still inviting me with his friends when in fact we are no longer in a relationship? 

 

He replied that he wants me to meet his friends.

 

Then a slew of small voices led me to ask ‘Pero bakit nung last birthday ko….you never even stayed for just a minute.  You just popped and excuse yourself because you still have a job to do (even though its past 12 midnight….).’

 

You told me because we are no longer a couple and broke up 6 days before my birthday.

 

Then, with the given facts, ‘then im in no obligation to come to your invitation since we are no longer a couple.’

 

An awkward silence….

 

‘Inaaway mo na naman ako…parati mo na lang akong inaaway’ he mumbles in the phone.

 

Maybe, half truth but its just not fair.  Then with the guilty thoughts bobbing over my head, tried to divert the conversation to other things.  The one lead to another, then he finally say that he has a hard-on. 

 

Then finally I bid goodbye and hang-up…hang-up for good.

 

I mean, have you ever been on the other side of the phone, you just desperately wanted to make things work but in the slew of everything…it just boils down to one thing…sex.

 

I have never entered relationship because the guy knew how to ‘touch’ me intimately in ooohh-so many ways. But because I connected and the possibility of spending my day and nights with him … forever.

 

I maybe  a flirt but at least if just wanted sex to someone else…I define it right from the start.  Though that we have started on a one night stand then grew out to be a couple, it doesn’t permit anyone to define me as a ‘sex machine’.

 

If he is just a one night stand…I wont be asking him to text me back.  A small hello will do but no response coming from me.

 

and i wont be writing this post over again with the same man on context if I don’t have any feelings for him.

 

Angry…maybe… i hate myself for keeping up this kind of scenarios where I kept on repeating my mistakes.  The ‘over-positive-guy-who-always-look-on-the-good-side-of-everyone-that-maybe-he-has-a-feeling-to-me’ kind of guy.

 

Why do I keep on beating myself even if I’m already on the ground, already sweating with blood?

 

‘so what’s the glory in living

 

does’nt anybody ever stay together anymore

 

and if love never last forever… tell me

 

what ‘forever’ is for?’

 

 

 

I’m willing to give this last relationship another chance.  But I do hate to admit that I MAY have been wasting a lot of my time to a guy who don’t know how to push the right buttons emotionally.

 

The story of my life…always ending up with the wrong guy.

‘U deserve better’ … silly ploy

You deserve better…

 

One of the oldest line of ‘how to let go …so fcuk* off’ help book and was used by millions of relationship blasters all throughout human history. Maybe even ‘the greatest lover’ of all time – Don Juan De Marco uses this phrase sooo many times from his misadventures and I bet there is a another fellow who would use this line right at this very minute somewhere in the world. SILLY, isn’t it!

 

I mean, why use the phrase when you just meant

 

‘GOD…I hate your perfume…’

or ‘Men, I no longer dig you’

 

– just to make the fall the easier?

 

NEWS FLASH! Any FALL could hurt anybody. Hell, when I fall off the stairs when I was 7 or 8 years old, I bumped my head in the last step and got 2 to 3 bruises all at the same time. I even got a fever on the next day…for Pete’s sake.

 

No one is perfect for another person and no one will ever be … so how come people use this silly phrase if you just simply meant ‘goodbye’.

 

Take for example Louis the XVI and her wife who were beheaded by France because using the countries wealth for their lavish parties while its citizens were starving to death.

 

How about Imelda Marcos and Ferdinand Marcos? They were kicked-off the island because using country’s resources for their own good. The guy is obviously a great ruler but definitely the wife is another character by itself – who loves glamour and money more than anything else in the world. Hell, why just look for the word ‘immeldific’ in the dictiornary and it is defined as too much addiction on shoes.

No one ever deserves one another. What we have are just mutual feelings that grew right in between spaces. These are feelings that even words and logic can’t define. This, my friend, is what psychology majors call ‘love’. Without it, the world will be an endless search for the equation of life and coffee, searching things without meaning.

 

Because love is the only statement that gives an inanimate object a certain direction – this includes ‘US’

 

Why do we even want to finish studies?  To have a job of our own and enough money to build a family.

 

Why do we need to search for cure of a simple cough or cold?  To give our love ones a medication that would relieve them from the pain of coughing and sneezing in public.

                                  

Why do we search for someone?  To feel life over and over and over again. And once found – a sense of direction and focus will be achieved.

 

 

So please, ‘…you deserve better’ is hardly a statement that would sweep me off my feet. Be honest and everything will come into places…even if the truth will hurt you sooo badly.

the return of the ice queen

 

JULY 17, 2006 –  It’s been awhile since I last wrote a post in my blog. It seems that I could write stuff when I feel miserable and lonely. It’s an addiction for dramatics! <hehehehe> But of course I can’t dismiss the fact that I also like to post something about my latest misadventures <harharhar>.

 

My misguided love for extremes has brought me an inconsiderable zest for life.  This however spices up ‘my so-called life’ and in return has molded me to be a better and loving person for my future partner (wishful thinking).

 

Lately, I have observed that I enjoy single-hood and rampant dating as I set my conquest for a lifetime partner. As from my previous post, I have had my own share of thrills and shrills. Though I don’t regret to experience the misery that love could bring, I can’t deny the fact that I have learned so much.

 

Single and waiting – as I hover through my love life, I cant help but wonder…

 

am I numb to feel anything?

 

I mean…a friend of mine who once asked me through one of our drinking sessions if me and Gary is an item (please see above picture which was taken in Ultimate Bar).  I just simply say that we are ‘just friends’.

 

He was surprised and exclaim ‘ay nay!!!! Player ka rin naman pala eh!’ and a boisterous laugh follow.  I stop and ponder…

 

am I really that cold?

 

I look back for the past few weeks and I realized that I had about two to three proposal by text if ‘we could work out a relationship’ that I had declined.  (I have done the ‘BF sa text’ that tore me apart. And I don’t have any plans of repeating history).

 

I am now a FUBU of this guy whose name is Mark and ‘would have had’ experienced an orgy that I backed out from the last minute (after knowing that one of my friends is included).

 

But I wonder, I don’t feel anything with this guys. Sex without feelings.

 

Cold perhaps but I think im giving them a better deal.  I don’t want them to be stuck to a person like me.  I don’t want to deny their happiness of being loved by another person. I guess, that old song goes ‘blame it on my youth’

 

If you are asking me if will still fall in love? … without a doubt.  ABSOLUTELY!

 

And only for the right person, and if ever I failed on my conquest… Ill just retreat, wail for a moment, change tactics and be ready for the next battle. ‘for life is an endless battle, all you have to do is just fight a good fight’

CUPID … where art thou?

 

April 11, 2006 – MY LIFE FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS WAS A ROLLER COASTER RIDE. Scary with a lot of shrills and surprises. You’ll never know what hits you until you take the trip.

 

I had always been an optimistic fellow in getting to know people.  Maybe because I owe it with my job as a publicist, marketing, advertising & discoverer, trying to find hidden diamonds in a cave all made of coal.  I believe that there is a certain kindness hidden within our hearts that people neglected and ditch them before they even try to find out.

 

I guess you give humanity a certain degree of chance…

Though, sometimes I open myself to certain degrees of danger.

 

But does the same principle is applied with …love? How about making friends?

 

I open up my door with a certain fellow who introduces a proposal – a proposal of ‘getting to know each other’.

 

The proposal is noble and pure in nature. With just a leap of faith, I agreed and signed the deal though I don’t know what I deliver myself to.

 

The fellow has just got out of a relationship. Though the relationship flourished by text and they were apart by bodies of water and islands, I guess they have a mutual understanding…

 

BELIEVE ME, these relationships do exist since I have the same experience as well.  Falling with a person through text is possible.  Just what Globe said ‘making things possible’.

 

I just get off the same scenario since my head kept on banging my ears and kicking my butt. My brain kept on saying over and over and over again …

 

‘Get up f*%@r, he doesn’t mean everything what he texted. He just got sweet words to twirl you right onto his fingertips. Can’t you read his profile…he is A STRAIGHT TRIPPER and he is just collecting testimonials on his friendster. You’re just one of them’.

 

I guess I have to wake up in that dream when I finally admitted to myself I’m ‘stupid’ and ‘crazy’ of loving a guy who couldn’t even meet me and finally show his face.

 

What is he afraid of? I will not take advantage of him, I’m just like Piglet, too scared to try things beyond my grasp… anyway, I’m proud to say and admit that I FINALLY moved on.

 

Back to the story, it was very clear. We open ourselves to ‘get to know each other’.

 

Meaning, we are entering to a new facet in our life thinking we may have a common interest…

…na BAKA magkaroon ng spark

…or we may discover a great chemistry between us

…and PERHAPS would lead to a special relationship.

 

After a great date at Gateway, text was given to one another. Until THAT ‘sole’ text which ends up

 

‘…I think I’m starting to fall in love’

 

My heart stood still and my brain starts to reason. Then, I double check…can I give you the same feeling that you had generously bestowed upon me.

 

I look far and beyond looking for that certain ‘something’ – something that may spark and spell a good relationship. I even listed your strengths and weakness. Your ‘strength’ list is longer than your ‘weakness’

 

…but the odd question is…why do I have to exert too much effort?

 

Di ba dapat pag love…nararamdaman mo na yun.

Hindi ka na dapat magdalawang isip.

May problema ba ako?

 

 

YOU are perfect…

… a job

…great body I must say

…great sense of humor

…smart

 

WHY am I looking for that special ‘something’?

 

WHY do I have to exert too much effort just to find that certain ‘spark’?

 

Even Nina sings ‘love moves in mysterious ways’, then why am I hunting cupid for the first time to pin me in my butt with his love arrow?

 

GUILTY…yes, guilty as charged.

 

On my moment of silence and looked back when this picture (shown above) was taken.

 

During our dinner date, you have told that you were surprised when I sit on your lap and tried to get a picture with you.  In my head, I’m just being friendly (?) but I am so sorry If I have had given WRONG SIGNALS. I’m so sorry. PLEASE, as that old song goes ‘blame it on my youth’. It’s entirely my fault.

 

I even told you during my our dinner date that because of my ‘touchy’ personality I got into trouble when my lover pushes me to the ground when he caught me ‘playfully’ holding hands with my best friend.

 

IN MY HEAD… I meant nothing but for others it’s entirely a different perspective.

 

I love ‘touching’ people. My friends in G2G are some of living proof. If I have to be imprisoned because society dictates you could only hug a girl because I am a boy…then please…I lend my hands and shoot me.

 

I hug them.

I cuddle.

I sit on their lap.

 

Another mistake that I have done is when we bumped with my long time friend who works on the restaurant at Gateway.  I introduced you as my boy friend.

 

IN MY HEAD…you are a FRIEND of mine which happens to be a BOY. I mixed both definitions in entirely different way. You even asked me ‘why do I have to introduce you as my boyfriend — I just told you…’

 

‘What am I going to describe you… ka – getting to know each other?’

 

Another mistake by definition is the word M.U. My text friend told me in a sluggish way… ‘mali ang definition mo sa M.U. Kasi ibig sabihin pareho kayong may feelings sa isat isa…hindi lang basta nagkakaintindihan kayo pero kung ano yung nilalaman ng mga damdamin ninyo…kaya nga tinawag ng MUTUAL eh…me feeling kayo sa isat isa pero gusto niyo munang i-test ang water kung para ba kayo sa isat isa.’

 

 

I STAND TO BE CORRECTED and please cast the first stone on me.  Guilty as charged.

 

But at the end of the day, I have to be honest with my feelings.

 

You’re an attractive person…charming…i’m sure someone BETTER than me will come along kaya I have to quit and just say it ASAP.  Mas masakit kung ipagpapatuloy pa natin ito and pag-uwi ko ng bahay, ill ask myself ‘who am I kidding?’

 

Mas masakit yun and I have to admit na minsan na rin akong pinaasa at ayokong gawin yun kahit kanino. Believe me I know. For months, I’ve been crying in my bed and even attempted to finish my life by overdosing myself through sleeping pills. I just don’t have the courage to wake up and breath life … again.

 

You have texted, ‘hindi lang ako ang may feelings…pareho tayo.’

 

Hindi ko kailanman ikinasaya ang gawin ko to …hindi na bale na ako ang lumabas na mali pero I hope that one day…you would finally admit and say ‘siguro nga tama yung nangyari dati’

 

And as we enter a quite dangerous arrangement…and IF it would result quite what we have NOT expected…

 

…some things na nakasanayan na will never be the same again.

 

I tried to distance myself kasi I admit ako ang may pagkakamali.  Baka kasi ill be sending mix and wrong messages na naman na iba ang interpretation.  Kung anuman yung sweetnes na naipakita ko dati, on certain degrees talagang mawawala yun.  I feel im so guilty of dragging you into this situation.

 

I felt so miserable and bad that I have withdrawn to everything.

 

I don’t have the courage to talk to you.

 

I can possibly look you in your eyes.

 

I don’t know but I felt… i’m so bad.

 

My IPOD starts to sing an Angela Bofill song ‘Time to say goodbye’

 

Though its time to say goodbye?

Don’t know why…

Things happen as they do

With only you…

 

 

Wish I didn’t have to go

But deep inside I know…woooh

That baby…its time to say goodbye.

 

I hope that someday you would realize na if ever na ipagpapatuloy pa natin ito and it ends up the same na I don’t have any feelings…its far more painful.

 

We are dragging ourselves into a cliff. I just don’t want to be on that situation and I hope after reading this blog… I have entirely explained myself.

 

PS: You texted me if ‘text’ is included in giving US a space. I hope so. Or a simple HI and HELLO will do.

 

I have a comment box at the end of this post or a comment box right at the left side of the site; please feel free to write anything.

when a baby knocks on your door…

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa251/smurfendeyana_2007/storks-rocking-cradle.gif

 

March 24, 2006 

-  I just remembered a story this morning.

 

It’s a story about my last boyfriend. Our relationship lasted for about 2 years ++ (just can’t remember the months and minutes, though).  Johannes and I are a couple in 2003 but our relationship is hidden beyond the eyes of society. (it’s forbidden, of course)

 

We just manage to see each other from 12:30PM to 2AM, twice or thrice a week and we do what every couple’s do

 

…have SEX…(kidding)

…share our problems

…watch TV

…what happen this day.

 

Like any other ordinary couple do.

 

In 2004…he got a story that shakes my knees.  Nakabuntis siya daw siya. He was so afraid

 

Gulong gulo ang isip niya

Hindi pa siya handa…

 

 

But because it’s a logical thing to do …to raise the kid EVEN BOTH PARENTS ARE NOT READY …they still have had the baby.

 

As hard it may seem, Johannes accepted his own dilemma.  His boyish looks turns different each day.  As if he is carrying the world in his shoulders.  Innocence can no longer be found in his eyes.

 

Days pass.  He shares tales of how irresponsible the mother was. Mga araw na ayaw niyang makita ang sarili niyang anak.  Isang pagkakamali.

 

Until one day I ask him… ‘bakit tinuloy niyo pa ni Grace yung bata kung sa bandang huli, iisipin mong nagkamali kayo?’

 

He grunted for a response.  Conceal thy lips with a kiss.  He said, ‘dahil di ba…yun ang dapat gawin.’  How about the child? Hindi niya naman siguro kasalanan na isinilang siya sa parehong maling magulang…

 

If I were the kid…

If i had only the choice….

I would choose na wag na lang ipanganak.

 

 

He never responded but rather … hold me tighter.  Warmer than usual and he hushes ‘If only I could be with you…’

 

He kisses me as if the night will never cease the day.

Passionate kisses…

 

Our relationship lasted December 2005…

 

The reason: but not because of the child (remember he had a child in 2004, the relationship lasted 2005)

 

I can’t help but wonder.  Could you straighten up a mistake by simply doing the next logical thing that society dictates?

 

Isn’t it conflicting, you tried the digest something at the end of the day you would simply regret everything you have done. If both parties are not ready…why bear the child? I’ve seen a lot faces and scenarios that both parties had a mistake, but yet, dahil ito raw ang tama, dapat pangatawanan

 

Result:

 

The girl had another male text mate which she is infatuated with.

The man also had another girl

The girl began to be arrogant and suspicious – nagger in short

The man drinks away his sorrows

The child remains in the middle…

And when he/she turns 18, he/she fights back!

Starts to argue

 

I may not have a child but I have four lovely nieces.  But it should be five because the eldest died.  My sister said ‘di kasi plano na magka-baby’.  Her husband does not have fix income and he has ‘second thought’s’ about the baby.  My sister tried to conceal her pregnancy by wearing tight pants until the 7^th month came.  My mom knew even before she reveals that she is pregnant.  On the 8th month, my sister gave birth prematurely.

 

After 2 weeks, the baby boy died.  They even forgot to give a name.

 

My sister confesses that right before the first month, they were toying with the fact na wag na lang ituloy dahil pareho silang hindi handa.  Ika nga nila, itlog pa lang naman…  Ang mas masakit siguro, nang itinuloy yung bata, Nawala rin sa kanila yung munting anghel.  Sabi na ate ko, dala marahil ng sobrang pag-iisip kaya nagging mahina yung bata.

 

Which is true, as what her OB told her.

 

‘And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!’ Shakespeare (Hamlet)

bumpers and drivers….

Drinking and driving are two fundamental words that can’t be joined together all at the same time.

 

I learned it the hard way.

 

Last Sunday, after three bottles of Red Horse mucho that I shared with a league of friends, we decided to go out and paint the town in pink.

 

As I go and get my car and thread my way to my friend’s salon where they enthusiastically waited for me, I made a terrible calculation.

 

As I turn, with fuzzy alcohol spirit on my head, I bumped my car to a lamp post.

 

Go figure which was disfigured…

 

Good thing that im not driving too fast. It’s just a slight dent on my bumper and my brother in law told me that it may have been slightly damaged the condenser of my car

 

arrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh!

 

But you know what, I like driving after drinking a few beers.  It relieves my nervousness while behind the wheels.  It keeps me on my toes and I drive far better.  I guess that is my honest opinion.

 

But of course, don’t drink too much more than your minimum, just a piece of advice

 

Originally posted last December 11, 2007 from my former blog www.allanworld.i.ph