living in single valley…

 

 

 

being single for a couple of months  gave new meaning… I realized ITS NOT THAT BAD AFTER ALL

 

before, i used to lament how ‘life is sooo empty’. 

 

feeling jealous with every couple who pass by right in front of me.  often i imagine if i could ever find my ‘better half’ and tried my luck. some of them are successful but often, i kicked myself at the gutter.

 

i tried to use every single moment to find ‘the one’….

 

but i guess..i failed.

 

so a life of singlehood were often times embraced.

 

im no stranger to the singles valley and i know every corner of this town.  before, i despise to lurk and actually live in this village.  Im ashamed of myself and often felt that im ‘no good’. 

 

I feel im ‘un-lovable’.

Im too ugly that no one has the stomach to love me back.

i am old unattractive poor little twink.

a looser

a dork

a nobody

 

yup…its hard for me to swallow either that i dont have the looks and the body of a perfect cover boy…but REALITY BITES ME IN THE ASS…

 

until one day….

Im tired of feeling sorry to myself.

reality and acceptance sets in my little brain. 

 

for beauty, good genes plays a huge part.  so if i will continue to beat myself because im not good looking, i wouldnt survive a lifetime.  its not a sin to be ugly… looks comes with the package.  we are born with it and each looks are individually crafted – not to humiliate us but give us utter the distinction to one another.  What would the world be if we all look alike?  Its like the valley of the dolls!!!!

 

as i gazed out from my window, i realised that i shouldnt feel sad after all.  i dont need to smirk my entire life and punish myself.

 

i also realised that my neigbors are not that bad after all. here at single valley, you would meet a bunch of guys who are contented being single.  its not that i fully cast away the sparks of love and romance but i have learned a valuable lesson – they are contented and happy. 

 

they dont need another man to make them whole.  as the words of andrew matthews ‘you have to be SOMEBODY first.  its no good being someones ‘other half’ – youre a whole person.’

 

i found serenity in this new life.  found peace….

 

suddenly, my dog barks from behind.  he shows his radiant smile and stares with his lovely brown eyes.  Realising im not alone.

 

** orginally posted last January 20, 2008 from my old blog www.allanworld.i.ph

being SINGLE

For the past few months… i have had embraced singlehood its entire context and definition.  though single, i rarely go out on a date or party hard than i expected … i guess that is just me.

 

before, im scared to be alone.

 

im always longing for that lover who would sweep me off my feet. thus, i look for him in every nook and cranny of this entire pink room.

 

done some maverick acts and tried hard to sell myself through the images i used. i tried hard to be the ‘perfect guy’ anyone would like to have and keep but i guess, i have some shortcomings as well that no aesthetic attribute of mine could ever satisfy anyones juicy wet dreams.

 

been succesful for some accounts but i was often broken hearted at times thus im involve in this group that i grew to love.  well,  not because i could pick up my daily twinks at this group but rather a friendship and camaraderie that it has created on its posters, visitors and advisors.

 

i have the uncanny taste of picking the darnest apple among a brood of good ones.  i dont know why but i have a poor judgement of picking the gold from the silvers.

 

so i stopped…  i stop on doin the legwork.  trying to find the inevitable.  trying to seek the moth among the league of flies.

 

they say its a sad journey, being alone and all but i find solemnity and peace of mind. 

 

maybe for a weeks on this program makes me crave for a life i used to have – a masochist life indeed.  its like a drug addict on the brink of insanity and craving.  but in any event, i found myself happy and calm.

 

now, i dont look for mr. right.  I know he will find me. if only he looks behind him and ask me for my name.

road offenses of a ‘foolish’ heart

 

It seems I have been hitting a lot of stop lights in the ‘love highway’ lately.

 

I’m not a perfect driver, I just act in behalf of what I really wanted at the moment but it seems its NOT working well.  Cupid has been halting this baby for several offenses such as

 

* MU without feelings

* Friends crossing the love line

 

And the latest

* Zigzagging the love express

 

Yup…I’m guilty as charged.

 

Honestly, I’m TOO tired – In its truest sense. That’s why, I’m hitting the break. I have been driving this ‘love bug’ for several months and still …no luck.  In the meantime, I just have to stop my foolish heart.

 

Simply stop looking.

 

I just remembered a text which was sent to me awhile ago…

 

‘Kapag iniwan ka ng mahal mo

Pwede ba wag kang magmukmok

 

THAT’S LIFE!

Kesa umiyak…

Mag-paguwapo ka

Pa-facial

Pa-hot oil

Pa-foot spa

Pa-sexy ka

At sabihin mo sa kanya

O ngayun! Punyeta, maglaway ka!

 

BULLS EYE! I think, lately, I lost a lot of ‘myself’ for the past few months.  I have to treat myself special. Just wait for my return …and you will see a new me.

im SINGLE…and im proud of it!

 

 

April 25, 2006 – Today I declare INDEPENDENCE DAY!

 

Yup! It’s not yet June or the fourth of July but I am declaring April 25 as Independence Day… (Or any other day that I feel I’m free from the bondage of love)

 

The day I could finally say… ‘Pucha…ok lang kung ayaw niyo. Youll never know what you’re missing. You actually missed the most amazing guy on earth…’

 

Independence…

Free from the bondage of love…

 

As from my recent blogs…I have yet pondered and journey in lover-Ville so many times and Mr. Cupid can’t scold me that I didn’t even make an effort!

 

I do make an effort … and even begged them for their affection.

 

In times…I hate myself for loving these guys too much but in return…they just jump over my poor heart and beat the hell out of it. So can you blame me if I became a pessimist?

 

I can’t help but wonder…will I ever find the right man for myself?

Are there anyone out there just for me?

 

I hope…an eternal hopeful foolish guy am i.

coffee, love and a rainy friday morning

It’s a drizzly Friday morning.

 

As I hold a cup of hot coffee and snuggle with my computer, a text message were received…

 

To laugh is to risk appearing foolish

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing true self.

To place ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk ridicule.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

 

 

The person who risks nothing…

Does nothing…

Has nothing…

And ultimately becomes nothing.

 

I can’t help but wonder… do we have to risk a part of us on an everyday basis?

 

In business, you invest.  In a poker game, you risk your money and in love …you risk that someone will jump over your heart.

 

I guess, in battle of love and roses, no one gets out of the fight without a single bruise or a chip in his shoulder.  If love could leave a battle scar, I would have shown you my whole body full of emotional scars that love brings.

 

As of the moment…i’m just happy to be single. 

 

Love… it has always been there but id rather not say to the object of my affection for I am not ready to enter the battle grounds.

enjoy life…peeps

 

This morning another text was sent over…. I realized one of the simplest rule in life….

 

Its too short so why waste it… and move on.

 

LIFE is too short to wake up in the morning with REGRETS…

 

So LOVE the people who TREAT YOU RIGHT,

 

FORGET about the one’s WHO DON’T,

 

And BELIEVE that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON…

 

… know a GOOD THING when YOU SEE IT…

 

And they DON’T SLIP AWAY …

 

And IF you get a CHANCE,

 

take it…

 

IF it CHANGES YOUR LIFE,

 

Let it….

 

Nobody said it would be EASY

 

They just said it… WOULD IT BE WORTH IT?

Im ready to take the ‘love’ plunge…

 

I read back my post in my blog and it seems (actually it is), I’m in a state of oblivion for the past days. Ganito naman yata talaga ako… kung ma-in love eh sobra at hindi ko na naiisip ang sarili ko.  I still remember my college life where I am head over heels kay Ritcher.  (now he is happily married with a former classmate and whom I USED to court – her name is Marifi (yes…she is a girl).

 

I hurdle a lot of fences and even planned with my friends to help me get Ritcher on my group as a member without him even knowing.  (remember Grotto Vista project…that was one hell of a ride…but nevertheless… since I’m so inspired…we got the highest score for that project! Yahooo! ).  Things I have to do for the one I love <wink>.

 

I even remember one time when I’m too drunk and wailing for a guy, the next morning I have seen myself …katabi ang mga kaldero at plangana sa kusina ng kaibigan ko. Hahahahaha!

 

I have seen myself in so many stages when I’m in a relationship or even at the courting stage and wow! I can’t really believe that I’m SO SWEET. I’m not kidding and I’m not lifting my own chair.

 

Talo ko si Sharon and Gabby sa ‘public display of affection’.  I just realized these things after that date movie and birthday party I had attended with ‘someone’ I used to court – of course with witnesses.

 

But what amazes me is the value that I gave to give someone else – and still hoping along the way he would appreciate ‘simply by being me’.

 

Well…as of the moment…I’m standing FREELY and been ABLE TO BREATH THE AIR ONCE AGAIN.

 

Salamat talaga sa lahat ng mga kaibigan kong sumuporta at pinabayaan akong magsalysasay ng paulit-ulit – kasi for me I needed to let it ALL OUT for me to be ABLE TO MOVE ON. Some cant understand it… 

 

My crying nights…

Red horse…

Senti music….

Writing blogs…

All of the above help

 

Now I’m thinking straight, and learn my value so well. I needed a guy who would appreciate me more as what who I am.

No more pretensions.

No more hiding.

A prince charming

Sayang if all of this emotions and romantic ideas I have in my head eh mapunta lang sa isang tao hindi naman ako minahal.

 

Anyway…as of the moment…I’m no longer looking but rather in a halt

 

…just standing still

…BE REALISTIC.

And if ever I will find HIM again (for whoever he is)…

I’m ready to take the love plunge.

Originally posted last March 22, 2006 at my former blog: www.allanworld.i.ph