Another query I would like to throw in the cyber space
WOULD YOU RATHER STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT YOU STILL FEELING SO ALL ‘ALONE’
LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP AND EMBRACE SINGLEHOOD ONCE AGAIN?
These were the same questions that I have pondered for the past weeks and the answer bites me in the ‘arse’.
I just recently got out from a ‘very’ mature relationship and I gave myself a few days just to be able to write this post. I have been dwindling in the fog just trying to ask myself if I have had done the right thing…
Some of my friends told me that I was stupid enough to let go of ‘one’ person who had loved me on a ‘very’ mature level which I have not found from my past failed relationships. He is sensible, terribly smart, responsible and gave me the space I needed to nurture my ‘so selfish’ career.
But some do agree about my decision as I end a 3 weeks relationship. And this stanza from a song has poignantly described by utter emotional state:
‘This is me, I can’t hide, but I still feel the sting / you are here by my side but I cant feel a thing /
so it’s you and your chair and me and my new shoes / and those smiles we both mean that somehow never get through’
– from the song ‘alone’ by Catherine Tuttle
Though I have agreed in such relationship, I felt so all ‘alone’. That even though we are just inches away from each other, I felt ‘nothing’ and can’t feel him emotionally. It’s as if we are thousand miles away, even if we are just sitting right next to each other. We are living on two different planets, I’m from Venus and he is from Mars. Two separate planets with different forms of government, just like our morals and perceptions.
Its not easy to let go of a relationship that you knew that there is a potential for future. A friend of mine advised during a series of my ‘complains’ that I have bantered during a drinking session – relationship should be treated as if it was your FIRST time. You don’t get reference from your past relationships but rather take each day as if it was your first.
But the next question is…as you go along the journey, do you still feel he is with you? I don’t and I tried to ‘change’ my perception about love and relationships for this fellow…but its just not me.
I love kissing guys on public.
I love hugging and cuddling them without worries of people judging me of my chosen sexuality.
I love texting mushy messages and receiving it from the object of my affection.
Simple things that I thought I could rid off since He is not a huge fan of such ‘acts’…that I realized how much I love doing it and to show my affection.
Now, I have come to terms with the ‘guilty’ feeling I have been cradling at my back.
Now, I could finally see what I have done and the scenarios that led me here. I may have made some ‘bad decisions’ from the past, but this one would have been for the ‘best’ of both parties. I might have gave him a huge favor by letting ourselves go. He might find a better person… and I may not be that guy.
‘I can see clearly now the rain is gone… / I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds and a brand new day / Its gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day.’
PS: sorry if i dont have the literary talent of Nick Joaquin…im not a writer and i dont want to be like one. Its just how i express myself and this is a sort of my diary in cyberspace. so forgive me if im not grammatically correct and my metaphors stinks hehehehehe.
This were originally posted last October 22, 2006 from my former blog http://www.allanworld.i.ph