Have you find pieces of my HEART?


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It’s a long dreary day. Full of twists and turns like your average telenovela.

 

 

So hear my plea and let my journal tell you more about it. By that time you are reading this stuff…my mind may still be floating in air…

 

Out of depression and pure incoherent sadness…

 

Just simply blaming myself…how drastically stupid am I.

 

Now let me tell you who GUY 1 really is… which I have exchanged with GUY 2. His name is Joaquin by code name – Mr. Dan Albert Joaquin Francisco.

 

I have met him through the G4M site and known him more from the clan that I am a member with. My kind of guy…

 

Quiet as still as the deep river….

The looks of a thousand sailors…

The hip and young look…

What else for a man… he got everything my fantasies been longing for.

 

 

The first time I saw him… I thought my world stood still. As if love at first sight struck my lonely heart. By that time, I am in love with GUY 2 though I didn’t know him personally; I still wear my heart on my sleeve and gave it to Joaquin in a silver platter. I guess I’m looking for a future, practicality and simply a man whom I can call my own… who I could say not just a ‘pigment of my imagination’

 

WRONG? I shouldn’t have done it.

 

I fall deeply in the well of sadness as I threw myself in it…plunging to a deep dark tunnel.

 

As I research and learn more about him…I found out that the ‘silent type’ is the most dangerous specie of all.  He gave private messages to others and still in a relationship with another guy.   He likes good looking men and I am just an ‘average Joe’ – simply not his type. My valuable source told me that they are in a shaky relationship and therefore open for a new one.

 

I hold my breath and accepted that I may get out of this relationship, crying all my lungs out.  I accepted the fact that I may loose this battle but instead I move on.

 

I said to myself…

 

my sword is my ‘pure heart’ for any obstacles I may encounter. 

My sincerity and utter ‘singleness’ may win me my object of my affection…

still believing that ‘honesty is the best policy’

 

 

And now I know I’m wrong…they say that I have invested so much.

 

I have invested my whole heart to a person whom I don’t know if he could give at least 5% of his devotion.

 

TOO CLEAN TO START WITH. 

TOO SINGLE. 

TOO MANY THINGS TO OFFER…

AND TOO MANY THINGS TO LOOSE.

 

Today, as we waited for Joaquin to arrive on our favorite spot in Cubao, his best friend uttered… ‘Buti OK ka lang…’

 

“para saan?’ I asked

 

‘Ay di mo pa ba alam… nagkabalikan na si Joaquin at yung dati niyang boyfriend. Ok na sila uli…di pa ba niya nasabi sa yo?

 

 

I thought my spirits run wild and panic…trying to escape over my body. I would simply like to break every piece of chair in the coffee shop. The words ‘matagal na silang nagkabalikan’ still echoes in my head…as if a never ending melody. Would I ask him regarding ‘what’ if I knew it?

 

But I still acted casual and very sweet as I grabbed Joaquin’s hand once he arrived.  That night, we are on our way to Makati for an event in a gay club called ‘GOVERNMENT’

 

Assuming I never heard anything… trying to convince myself… he might tell me the whole scenario on our way to government. But instead, a sweet smile and a caressing move have been bestowed.

 

A text or a simple message informing me of the situation would have pacified my ailing heart. He never uttered a single word…. And the worst part of it…I have known about the situation from Someone’s mouth.

 

He made me a HUGE fool. A HUGE FOOL. As if I never hate myself that much…his utter silence proved that im such A STUPID GUY.

 

We arrived at the club, still waiting for his first move.  Will he ever tell me?

 

I asked him, after two rounds of ‘rum cola’ and san mig light on my hand, ‘nagkabalikan na pala kayo?’

 

‘OO’ he said soooooooooooo casually, as if nothing ever happened. ‘sino nagsabi sayo?’

 

‘Si Ian’

 

Do these lines mean that you don’t have any intentions of telling me? Does this mean that you would like to forego with the relationship even without telling me?

 

I rushed to the dance floor thinking that I would loose all the memories …but then again, I’m wrong. I rush towards my comfort zone as tears slowly drips in my cheek.

 

Tears start to roll over my cheeks…. What a BIG FOOL AM I?

 

How crazy I am.  Letting someone do this to me.  I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU SO MUCH.

 

 

Now, all my inner evil rushes down to my face…laughing and throwing things at me.

 

Ill never found anyone as long as I live.  As if my past broken pieces never gave me enough credit.

 

As I look back… pieces of me are scattered all around. Ive tried to pick them up but they are too sharp…leaving me wounds.

 

I’m now at home at exactly 12:36. Its now 2AM, i’m finished typing a new post but still…even a text… haven’t got anything from Joaquin.

 

Originally posted last March 16, 2006 (Thursday) at my former blog http://www.allanworld.i.ph

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