the last tear…


Last night, out of depression and longing for a speaking voice, I texted a faithful friend of mine – just simply begging him to call me. I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on, who knows me inside and out and what will a crazy person like me would need to hear in times like this.  Whom I could laugh with and also give meaningful advises. Who could actually ‘convince’ me to move on and find another who could EQUALLY LOVE ME THE WAY I WILL LOVE HIM? 

 

As what they say, it takes ‘two to tango’ and I needed.  Somehow a co-equivalent of my eccentric and ‘loony’ personality’ (to other friend who offered help, thank you so much and I do appreciate the gesture)

 

Waterfalls start to drizzle all over my lonely cheeks, telling him the whole scenario – The courting, an evening with Joaquin, those special holding hand moments with Him in the theater and taxi, the romantic advances he also bestows upon me (in short pinaasa nya ako right from the very start.), his ‘other’ relationship and betrayal of trust which is the only thing I asked of … I guess as what we could infer…these are the things I have been longing and craving for.

 

So we device a little place ‘how to close the last chapter I have written’ and FINALLY move on.

 

Jamie Cullum starts to sing ‘In the wee small hours of the morning’ in my headphone… as if my life is not melodramatic enough.

 

A tear starts to fall once again… GOD i hate crying but it’s the only thing I can do…. I’m too tired showing tears but as if they always volunteer to show up everything I felt sorrow and pain.

 

I get my IPOD and started changing albums – have to call my good friend Kelly Clarkson to sing me her song — oops…’since you been gone’ then press play.

 

So back to the topic, my friend gave me few ideas how to close it… I think I knew this steps but I just don’t like to do it. I just needed someone telling me …

 

‘SHUT UP! AND START ACTING LIKE AN ADULT…ILL BE CHECKING TIME AND AGAIN ABOUT YOUR IMPROVEMENT AND DUMP YOUR THOUGHTS WITH THIS GUYS…THEY DON’T DESERVE YOU…YOU DESERVE FAR MORE BETTER’

 

 

1. STOP TEXTING BOTH OF THEM…. JOAQUIN AND ESPECIALLY GUY 2… come to think of it…its one of the most sensible steps I really have to take. Stop texting this guys.  And including any forms of communicating devices including CYBERSAPCE.  They are the main reason why I feel too ‘shitty’ bout myself.  Why do I have to linger?  I guess you have to ‘blame it on my youth’

 

 

My friend pointed out that Joaquin doesn’t know how to appreciate a person like me:

 

He never appreciated the fact that I courted him and terribly in love with him…that I’m willing to go a mile for him.  And I entered the relationship without any cobwebs in my closet…meaning walang sabit.

 

 

I honestly told him my feelings and I fully understand that he is having troubles with his current boyfriend and they are just in the ‘cool off’ stage.  I swallowed every pride I got and just go on.

 

That the only thing I ask of him is be HONEST… the same virtue he had violated by not telling me that he and his boyfriend are back and it takes more that 2 to 3 days for me to find it out…. I sleep in your bed last Monday and you don’t even have the decency to tell me…still thinking that you are mending a broken heart!

 

And the worst part is getting the news FROM SOMEONES MOUTH which is equivalent to your blabbering best friend.

 

‘Ugh …. I feel I hate you…. ‘

 

 

My friend also gave a convincing statement regarding GUY 2.  To fully control my life and my emotions…as sweet as he is…I have to let go.

 

He smartly pointed out, though how sweet and understanding he is in text, how gorgeous he is, but his lines of thoughts are like this:

 

His thoughts about gay relationship:

‘D nman kc tma db? Kahit sang angulo natin tingnan…’

 

 

His thoughts about other gay guys who kept on falling in him: 

‘ pEro khit ung mga ganun, d ako proud na maraming nagkagus2 sa akin na same sex,

nope, d ako proud…’

 

His thought about his EX…

‘D kami ni ____…nmit ko lang si _____ sa G4M. pro ganun and tri nya sa akin especially, EWAN k nga bas a kanya’ — this one really bother me since he never appreciated the fact that someone

love him more than his life….

 

His current relationship…

‘my girlfriend ako ngayun…’

 

His thoughts about meet-up…

‘…cam to cam.?’

 

THIS IS A HIGHWAY OF NO RETURN.  I’ll just end up longing for someone who will never fall in love to me.

 

Get back to reality and meet guys with REAL LIFE BODIES.  And the worst part is…Its just in my head… he may just wanted to be a friend in the first place that’s why he cant even commit seeing you. I just have to STOP doing these things to myself.

 

IM IN DEEP SHIT and the feelings I have for GUY 2, no matter how sweet he is should also be CLOSE and FINALIZED for once and for all. 

 

1. My friend, armed with great humor and wisdom, begged of me to STOP TEXTING HIM. I wouldn’t find a GUY of my own if I kept on holding a fantasy like him. If he doesn’t cancelled your first meet-up and waiting so long in front of your phone just waiting for him to call you…

 

2. ….You will probably also end up waiting for him but for a longer time AND much worst is ‘ITS JUST IN MY HEAD’.

 

 

3. Guys are out there…starting meeting them. Make friends but be yourself.

 

4. My friend told me in confidence…that if he were not a ‘bottom’ guy like me ‘…he would have courted me and we would have been in a relationship…my tears starts to fall when he told me that I’m one of the sweetest and understanding person that he had met for along time.  He would treasure me the way a precious jewel should be…I’m one in a thousand and he wouldn’t find another person like me.  He would give up everything just to be with me and no one, ever, could hurt me. He also told me that I am beautiful…I just can’t see it because I’m used to this face but I really do.

 

Just what I needed…. Love you my friend….

 

START MEETING REAL GUYS. Sounds like a good plan. That’s why I grabbed tickets today at an ALL MALE SUMMER POOL PARTY.  They got great activities and it sound fun…the only problem is I don’t have swimming trunks… and I don’t look good in it. My G2G friend will help me out to shop later at Cubao….

 

START CHANGING THEIR NAMES IN YOU FONBUK…OR BETTER START CHANGING EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE CONNECTION WITH… this includes our weekly meet-up where I could bump into him…. Lie-low is the key.  Refrain from hanging out from the threads he is in (but he doesn’t say ‘don’t read’ so I guess I could still hehehehe).  Also start changing my desktop’s wallpaper… and stop looking on his profile. Start deleting their messages in my mobile and their individual folders, it wouldn’t help me out….Start with clean slate.

 

4. STOP THINGKING ABOUT JOAQUIN AND GUY 2.  Because most probably, they are not thinking about me…then why do I have to think about them…?

 

I think she is right.

 

Originally posted last March 18, 2006 at my former blog http://www.allanworld.i.ph

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