Call me when im NOT sober


I’m an occasional drinker…

 

True…but NOT yet an alcoholic (thank God…).  I just have this exceptional appreciation for alcohol. 

 

For beers, I choose red horse for this lips love the spirit of the stallion, just simply kicking me by the head.  And perhaps because ‘ito na ang nakasanayan kong inumin’ since college.

 

A lot of fond memories that this ‘ole horse’ have had witnessed. The times I waked up with the pots and pans on the kitchen cabinet of my friend’s home.  I found out the power of ‘vetchin’ when mixed with Red Horse – I think I have called ‘God’ a thousand times during those nights.  I just can’t remember if I am praying to let thy room stop from swirling or my legs are high up on the air. Hmmm…

 

Red wine – I love that extra kick on those romantic nights.  And it give me that little extra, the feeling of power (that I somehow made it to the upper level of my career) most especially if I am dining in a fancy restaurant with a client.

 

For hard liquor, the alcohol percentage should be at least more than 40%.  Yup… and this kind of experiment should only be applicable during New Year and if i’m on someone’s home so I could drowse off safely.

 

Alcohol gives me that certain freedom that even for a small amount of time; I could be ‘me’.  Drinking is a special time for me where I could easily lay down all my defenses and say HI to the real ‘me’.   Every bit of my insecurities and what I value can be easily asked – I would answer without batting my eye lids.  The whole truth of how I feel will be easily dropped.  Let us simply say that i’m ‘like a car without brakes when i’m drunk’.

 

As I bade goodbye to 2006, I’m drunk to the bones as I randomly called friends that means a lot to me – three of them appeared on my logs including roger, Dennis and mike.

 

Mike – the guy I have described from my last post.  The guy whom I believe is a huge puzzle.  So, if Carrie Bradshaw has Mr. ‘Big’, I have Mike.

 

Why do I still linger?

Why do I have to punish myself?

Hmmm….. I have to work hard and look for another. 

 

It just strikes me a song by Evanessence aptly called ‘Call Me When You’re Sober’.  As I scan over the lyrics, I realized the word she sings describes my emotional journey with Mike.

 

Don’t cry to me

If you love me

You would be here with me

 

You love me

Can’t find me

Make up your mind

 

Loose it out

Someday you can remember yourself

I can’t keep believing were only deceiving I’m sober I’m sick Of the lie

 

And you’re too late

Couldn’t take the blame

Sick with shame

 

Must be exhausting

To loose your own game

 

How could I

Can burn that I write

 

How could I

You would never mind

 

I uttered several times over the phone (which I miraculously remembered this morning …maybe because I asked it several times before getting an answer)

 

‘Minahal mo ba ako?’

 

I think he didn’t ever have loved me since he has to think twice before responding. I’m horribly broken.  I have been spending my days on a guy who don’t even know if he loves me or not.

 

** originally posted in my previous blog www.allanworld.i.ph last January 2007

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