MY CONFESSION (part 1)


Now it can be told. For the past few months, I’ve been cradling this sojourn love for a new guy in work.  I fell in love and break my heart in the ordeal – without him even knowing what my feelings are. (I think…). Anyone who knew me may have squealed and snarled again as this happened before – a constant scenario in my little head, once they read a sentence of this post. (ika nga, di na ako nadala… hayyy)

So forgive me people for I have to write it down.  Writing something about my past feeling gives this little head and foolish heart a sort of signal that ‘it’s alright to let go and everything must come to an end … anyway.’ It’s like placing a ‘period’ in a long paragraph which tells a story of an egg and a chicken ‘which-comes-first’ over and over and over again.

You may want to ask – how did it happen…

I met him at work… he is a new guy from another account and the moment I saw him – I’ve got an instant crush.  I don’t know why since he is not that tall naman and hindi rin naman siya maputi. Hindi rin naman maituturing na hunk kasi di naman gym material ang biceps and triceps nya. In short, very average as my friend said.  Pero there is something in his eyes na hindi ko talaga makalimutan. I have to admit, based on my aesthetic standard, pasado siya sa akin sa charming and good looking division.  His aura is more of sexual for me and I felt that he is this kind of guy na kapag naiwan kami sa kwarto, kahit ihi na lang ang pahinga at buong araw kaming magkulong without anything ay pwedeng pwede. Ika nga ni DJ Alvaro – he looks like ‘maginoo pero medyo bastos.

I believe, ‘Live each day to the fullest – one day at a time.  So what are you waiting for, grab LIFE by the balls’. Basta if I like a guy, I have to show in one way or another and I will take that first step to know him.

What I have done is I asked for his cell phone number thru a girl na kasama niya sa batch.  Its vague kung ano ang mga sumunod na nangyari but I think I was the one who gave my cell phone number which I write down in a piece of tissue na nakuha ko sa station.  Since hindi nya daw dala ng cellphone nya and hindi rin niya memorized ang sim number, he promised that he will text his number once he got home.  On the next day, napuyat ako sa kahihintay ng first text nya sa akin.  Tumagal ng 2 araw hanggang isang linggong paghihintay pero wala akong natangap na text.  Hindi ko na rin siya nakita sa floor and honestly I don’t what happened.

By then, I accepted the fact na he is not interested.  Sad pero I have to move on.

After several months, I saw a familiar face – fresh from months of training.  God, his here. He finished training and he is here to stay. Hindi ko na rin siya pinansin since I fully recovered by that time.  Nailabas ko na rin naman sa cyberspace ang hapdi nang nararamdaman ko kaya settled na ang emotions ko.  Kumbaga, naisigaw ko na ang lahat ng remorse ko sa kalawakan and i’m strong enough to move forward.

Tila nga yata ang tadhana ay mapagbiro. Naging isa ako sa mentor sa batch nila during nesting.  Di ko alam na batch pala niya ang tuturuan ko.  Kahit na malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko, tutal andyan na yan at pare pareho lang naman kaming nagtratrabaho… go lang ako. Though talagang sinubukan kong iwasan ang station nya and avoid eye contact pero hindi ko naman maiiwasan sagutin ang tanong nya na related sa work namin.  Siguro, nahalata niya na iniiwasan ko siya hanggang siya na mismo ang mag tanong...

‘Im sorry… youre AJ right?’

‘yes…  Do you have a question?’

‘Not really…  you were the guy who gave his number to me… ’

‘Yes I’m the same guy.’

Then silence… takes a deep breath then I said ‘its fine.  You don’t have to worry and explain anything. I get it.  I can take rejection and its fine with me. Thanks’

Muntik nang mahulog ang luha ko kaya pinigilan ko na lang and walked away.

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