#openletter to #mama


May 22 2018. It’s your Nth birthday. Honestly I stop counting your age and the years when you finally say #goodbye. But I won’t forget your birthday until the day when I say “Hi Ma, kumusta?”

I stop myself in writing melodramatic messages yesterday, knowing that there are no #instagram, #facebook or any social media sites in heaven. It’s crazy, you can’t even read it so why bother. Instead, I kept myself busy. Trying to get through the day. But my plan is a huge #failure. Cause here I am, writing messages that you won’t be able to read.

I miss you Mama. Sobra! I miss talking to you every single day. Sometimes I caught myself counting the days and hours … wishing my day ends and looking forward to see you again. I miss you mama.

You’re the only person I could talk to about my frustrations and aspirations. I could run to whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. You’re the only person I could be honest with my feelings. The only person who knew me inside out. The world may judge and throw things at me but I kept myself strong enough to keep me sane. Not everyone knew me and it’s a lonely place to live in. Sometimes I kept on thinking that I’m worthless with the things they say behind my back but I guess – this is what I deserve. This is my kind of hell.

Mama… I’m sorry if I had disappointed you in all aspects of my decision making. I know I’m not the son you wish you had. I’m a huge disappointment. I hate the fact that I can’t give you the grandchildren you dreamt of. I can’t even find a partner of my own who can love me of who and what I am. I guess this face .. a face that only mothers could love.

But I tried to be a better person. Even if I can’t face another day, I tried to wake up and fight for my everyday battle. My sister, niece and nephew may need me and I wanted to make sure that I’m strong enough when they run to me. I hide behind the mask. Behind it … I’m also trying to fight my own demons. I need help. I needed someone who could understand me and listen. Just simply listen to me. Mama… when will you knock on my door and bring me with you.

I miss you mama. I bought you a cake. I’ll eat the rest of it and cry in silence

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