I was often asked when did i finally knew that im gay …
well… my memory is quite vague since it will date back when i was still a kid where everything seems to be sooo innocent.
But what i can remember is when i finally admitted and realized that being ‘OUT’ is A-okay. And that is when i met these girls: Ingrid, Karen, Royce, Rosalie, Arlene, Jane, Clarisse, Flor, Jasmine, Myra and a tranny named Russel.
Its when i finally admitted that im different and i wouldnt *fcuk a straight woman for that matter. I got my own doze of experimentation but i dont think that i even made it to the 2nd base (at least what i conciously know…hmmm).
it was my second year in college. i know by that time, im quite confused since my so-called all-boys group is sensing that i dont really belong to the straight guys league. one day, i caught them talking about me and me being malamya and ‘gay’.
i overheard one of them – and he blatantly called me ‘FREAK’. it dramatically affects ME by that time. My grades started to fluctuate and i cant even focus on my studies. Im SCARED TO DEATH and worst… I DONT KNOW WHOM I NEED TO GO TO FOR ADVICE!
it seems im keeping ‘THE SECRET’ that i have quietly kept my entire life and now its about to be revealed to rest of the world. i stayed quietly on the sidelines and let life pass by as i snugged a little pandoras box within my chest. i kept the secret even to my dear father. he died not even knowing who i really am.
you have to understand … i came from a clan where masculinity is its primary ID. my dad owns a vulcanizing and a billiard shop. my other uncle whom i affectionately call ‘tito totoy’, hates GAYS while my ‘tito beth’ waltzes back and forth in prison for several misdemeanor and lawless acts. i could still remember how he hits the headlines because he flew out from jail (being a celebrity is not that all glamour). my aunts husband is a tough police officer in iloilo who surprisingly knew everything what we do. my cousin just told me that he hires a spy. plus, my i live in a tough neighborhood and i have not seen a pink stiletto worn by a 5’9 male basketball player. so now you know see the full picture.
it was a tough day for me… i was so confused … I LIKE TO SHOUT on top of my lungs. an upcoming ad campaign is coming up and im still half way finished with my school projects. i know by that time that my ‘secret’ is eating me alive and im a huge mess.
by that time, there is a group of girls who become my antogonists for over a year. headed by my high school nemesis named Ingrid. she hated me so much since im her number one academic contender. well, im not lifting my own chair but i left her and climb a few more notches as i end up in section two (a total of 48 sections for one year only) during my high school years.
mid afternoon, i went out of the class and while walking the hall way, still secretly wiping my tears – i felt so all alone.
i lost my whole male ‘barkada’. im trying to look for a place of refuge as i saw a nearby cafeteria which the students fondly call ‘kawayan’ (basically because of obvious reasons). i recognized familiar faces as they fan themselves and having a time of their life. i slowly walk through their direction as they gazed at me as if they knew what happen.
silence……waiting for me to utter even a word. i guess rumours spread easily like fire.
i slowly lift my head and utter
the girls screamed as if they have been waiting for it forever. as if i have gave them the formula to cure AIDS and the the rest is history…as they say. there is no turning back.
Now, i hardly heard about my 11 former straight commrades. the last time ive heard about them – they all have their own set of families and children as well. one of them has recently married whom ive had a ‘past’ with. ironically, he married the same girl whom i courted when im still on my stage of ‘denial’.
my gal pal are still in tact. three of them i hardly talk with because of various reasons – proximity and hatred while others simply driftted away. ingrid, jane and arlene are now based on other countries but still happily connected with each other while karen is starting a new life as she comes back home. clarissa is still working and happy with its simple single life while myra is contented with his married life.
things changed and so our lives. we lead a different life indeed. but as for me, after that mid-afternoon pledge in 1997, i freed myself out from my own bondage and i promised myself, i will never get back in that closet…again.