#NoRegrets


Facebook just celebrated its 10 years anniversary and one way of celebrating such phenomenal success that last for more than a decade, they treated their followers and FB users with a video that looks back on our so-called life.  I wanted to post it in my blog but im no techie (anyone who could help me please)

 I can’t say that what I gone through is a “bed of roses”.  Ive been to hell and back and definitely, im still working my ass-off to be a “better” me.  Im not perfect, I make mistakes in the past – I only hope that if ever it bites me once again… im prepared to fight back. But there are NO REGRETS.  I never regretted any single moment.  It makes me what I am today and if ever people judge me of they see in facebook,  what they read on this blog and what they had discovered in cyberspace… I took them all accounted as who I am.

On the first place, who are they to judge me.  They don’t feed my family, I don’t ask a single shilling out from their pocket.  My past may have been jaded and dark but what is important is what I am NOW. Without those single moments, I won’t get any wiser – I won’t be here.

mi amore… BRUNO


 

 

 

his teeth is pearly white, cute and irresistably sweet. 

 

i must say, it was love at first sight….

 

its more than a decade since i last have a dog.  i love K9’s and i was a firm believer that ‘dogs are man’s best friend’.  way back when i was still younger, four adoring creatures passed my lifetime. 

 

first, i have a dog named ‘boomer’.  i think he died when i was still in my grade school years because of old age.  then a series of diaper names which includes ‘kimbies’ and ‘pampers’.  the last dog ive had which i fondly call ‘putol’ since his tail were cut short by its original owners.  its such a huge dog – who loves to wag his butt, pretending he got a tail to flaunt.  you could almost see him smile everytime i came home as if he had seen an angel right at the doorsteps. 

 

one evening, there were no more ‘putol’ who sits by the door who patiently waits for me.  apparently, he just went out that same afternoon to take a leak but never gets home.  we tried to find him – knock on neighbors door and even went in a city dog pound.   we never found him and i was devastated for weeks.  i was crying every night, worried and dead sick what might have happened to him.

 

more than 10 years had passed and tried not to take good care of another dog.  i think i was traumatized and i felt that finding another dog like ‘putol’ is a ‘once in a lifetime’ event.  until last september 16, a huge brown box came. 

 

a cute and fuzzy puppy were trying to jump off the box.  it is supposed to be a gift by my sisters sister-in-law to another relative.  she asked me if i could just baby sit the puppy for a couple of hours.  I hesistated at first but what can I do.

 

As I gazed insdie the box, his eyes seemed like asking for help.  I resisted the urge of pulling him out of the box.  I went upstairs to do something, just to take away my mind off from the cute little dog inside the box.

 

Arrrghhhh….i cant resist…i carried him out of the box and yes…just like in any old songs…it was love at first sight.  (and since my birthday is just around the corner, i used the ‘birthday guilt card’ for them to finally give me the puppy).  i instantly gave him a name, BRUNO…a metaphor for his physical angel-like appearance. (and yes, I named him after that swatch model whom ive been dreaming of to be my boyfriend)

 

dogs give me a light feeling of hope and sincerity that no other human beings can give (other than your family of course). 

 

it gives you the utter happiness that no matter who you are, what you wear or how ugly i am…he will always be faithful and love you for eternity.

 

baby picture ;-)
baby picture 😉

 

 

nagbibinata
nagbibinata

 

with my pet cat ...Garfield
with my pet cat ...Garfield

GAYS: Miss Understood


 

 

 

I crossed a film at http://www.youtube.com starring one of the most enduring characters in gay TV history who is popularly known as ‘Jack’ from the NBC hit series ‘Will & Grace’.

 

Aptly entitled ‘Brian’s First Hollywood Screen Kiss’, I tried to search the scenes which would at least somehow will tell me if this gay movie deserves to be googled and bought either online or in store.  Until I find the first clip that would somehow pretty much tell what the whole story is all about.  i dont have the clip attached but it is intro of the said film.  It talks about its life and why he moved from his hometown to the big city.  The writer provide a different perspective for the stereotyped gay image.  I found the other scenes but more than that…the words uttered by Sean Hayes character speaks through me.  Sayang… nawala na yung clip sa youtube.

 

Gays are often misunderstood as ‘promiscuous and horny men’ who would like to have sex 24/7.  Beyond the tapestry of the gay stereotype and popular belief lies ‘romanticism’ that is embedded within us.  That like straight guys and girls, we search for ‘the one’ who would finally say ‘forever’.

 

I for one is a perfect example of a hopeless romantic.  I don’t usually go out and just ask guys point blank if I could have sex with them.  It’s not me. 

 

Though of course some straight acting gay guys who has the torso of Brad Pitt and the face of Dennis Trillo may differ, sex would have been knocking literally on their door everyday.  It’s just a guess since i’ve never had the life of a model. I’m ugly, skinny, stands like Frodo Baggins and judging with my physical and face value, I would gain more mileage if I have an ostrich head.  But though that nature never gave me such physical attribute, i’ve learned to love this face and body and tried to accept the fact that I wouldn’t be Tom Cruise or Ryan Philippe.

 

The eternal flicker of hope still lies in me that someday I would find ‘the one’. A hopeless romantic in me that yearns for a warm body who would love me unconditionally, whoever I am beyond what eyes could see. 

 

I guess am quite afraid.  My heart was broken for so many times and it’s hard to pick up the pieces and try to glue it all together.   And it’s hard to pick up the pieces of your life.  You take it one at a time just like picking up a broken glass…just be extra careful for it could hurt once pricked by a broken piece. 

 

So if ever you have friends who were gay.  Think of him, just like any ordinary guy, yearning for his prince or princess whom he would utter ‘eternity’.  Just like you, a person, that beyond laughter and smiles he often bestows hides a ‘searcher’ who is also longing for an everlasting love.  Remember that for us, as homosexuals, its far more harder to find the ‘one’ since our little community were often smitten by the aesthetic beauty rather than the inner glow.  Our little heads has that sort of tall, rich, macho, good looking standard that we often dreamt of. 

 

Luckily, I have thrown my own standards list and look beyond the physical attributes.  I guess the search is also far harder since we can’t have the same benefits of a straight couple.  On some parts of the world (which includes our country), two men holding hand is unacceptable rather than two men holding guns.  The norm wouldn’t agree on kissing men on the street or showing just a little bit of affection.  We can’t even get married or adopt children. We don’t even have employment benefits such as maternal leave (if you’re a lesbian) since they view us as single individuals incapable of having a family.

 

At the end of the day, gays are some of the resilient individuals in the world.  Against any adversities that life has thrown us, we still try to co-exist and be better amidst life challenges.  Gays are one of the most compassionate human beings and I’m proud of who I am.  Gays are more than sex machines that people perceived. 

 

Deep within, beyond the mask we wear everyday; we are true to the core – a hopeless romantic trying to find ONE true love.

the ‘night’s’ we would NEVER forget


As I look back on the unforgettable nights last year.  Here are the images I have collected as we paint the town ‘red’ for each FUN gathering we have con-cock-ted.  The Philippines gay mecca is truly memorable evening.  Thank you Mareng Whitney for ‘Queen of the night’ remix.  We love it!!

member since 1997: the day i came OUT


I was often asked when did i finally knew that im gay …

well… my memory is quite vague since it will date back when i was still a kid where everything seems to be sooo innocent. 

 

But what i can remember is when i finally admitted and realized that being ‘OUT’ is A-okay.  And that is when i met these girls: Ingrid, Karen, Royce, Rosalie, Arlene, Jane, Clarisse, Flor, Jasmine, Myra and a tranny named Russel.

 

Its when i finally admitted that im different and i wouldnt *fcuk a straight woman for that matter.  I got my own doze of experimentation but i dont think that i even made it to the 2nd base (at least what i conciously know…hmmm).

 

it was my second year in college.  i know by that time, im quite confused since my so-called all-boys group is sensing that i dont really belong to the straight guys league.  one day, i caught them talking about me and me being malamya and ‘gay’. 

i overheard one of them – and he blatantly called me ‘FREAK’ it dramatically affects ME by that time.  My grades started to fluctuate and i cant even focus on my studies.  Im SCARED TO DEATH and worst… I DONT KNOW WHOM I NEED TO GO TO FOR ADVICE!


 

 it seems im keeping ‘THE SECRET’ that i have quietly kept my entire life and now its about to be revealed to rest of the world.  i stayed quietly on the sidelines and let life pass by as i snugged a little pandoras box within my chest.  i kept the secret even to my dear father.  he died not even knowing who i really am.

 

you have to understand … i came from a clan where masculinity is its primary ID.  my dad owns a vulcanizing and a billiard shop.  my other uncle whom i affectionately call ‘tito totoy’, hates GAYS while my ‘tito beth’ waltzes back and forth in prison for several misdemeanor and lawless acts.  i could still remember how he hits the headlines because he flew out from jail (being a celebrity is not that all glamour). my aunts husband is a tough police officer in iloilo who surprisingly knew everything what we do.  my cousin just told me that he hires a spy.  plus, my i live in a tough neighborhood and i have not seen a pink stiletto worn by a 5’9 male basketball player. so now you know see the full picture.

 

it was a tough day for me… i was so confused … I LIKE TO SHOUT on top of my lungs.  an upcoming ad campaign is coming up and im still half way finished with my school projects.  i know by that time that my ‘secret’ is eating me alive and im a huge mess.

 

by that time, there is a group of girls who become my antogonists for over a year.  headed by my high school nemesis named Ingrid.  she hated me so much since im her number one academic contender.  well, im not lifting my own chair but i left her and climb a few more notches as i end up in section two (a total of 48 sections for one year only) during my high school years.

 

mid afternoon, i went out of the class and while walking the hall way, still secretly wiping my tears – i felt so all alone. 

i lost my whole male ‘barkada’.  im trying to look for a place of refuge as i saw a nearby cafeteria which the students fondly call ‘kawayan’ (basically because of obvious reasons).  i recognized familiar faces as they fan themselves and having a time of their life.  i slowly walk through their direction as they gazed at me as if they knew what happen. 

 

silence……waiting for me to utter even a word. i guess rumours spread easily like fire.

 

i slowly lift my head and utter

‘well….yes…im gay’

 

the girls screamed as if they have been waiting for it forever.  as if i have gave them the formula to cure AIDS and the the rest is history…as they say.  there is no turning back.

 

Now, i hardly heard about my 11 former straight commrades.  the last time ive heard about them – they all have their own set of families and children as well.  one of them has recently married whom ive had a ‘past’ with.  ironically, he married the same girl whom i courted when im still on my stage of ‘denial’. 

 

my gal pal are still in tact.  three of them i hardly talk with because of various reasons – proximity and hatred while others simply driftted away.  ingrid, jane and arlene are now based on other countries but still happily connected with each other while karen is starting a new life as she comes back home.  clarissa is still working and happy with its simple single life while myra is contented with his married life.

 

things changed and so our lives.  we lead a different life indeed.  but as for me, after that mid-afternoon pledge in 1997, i freed myself out from my own bondage and i promised myself, i will never get back in that closet…again.