#hugotpamore recipe: how to make a #GrahamCake


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First ibuhos ang durog na graham cake sa isang lalagyan.   Yung durog ang gamitin mas maganda.  Pero ok rin naman kahit yung biskwit.  Durugin na lang parang pagdurog mo sa puso ko.  Dun ka nga ata magaling… dahil kayang kaya mong durugin ang lahat ng pagtangi ko.

After ibuhos mo na ang pinaghalong kondensada at creamer.  Parang yung mga panaginip ko na unti unting nalusaw dahil nakita ko pityur mo may kasama kang iba.  Anu ba ako… oo nga pala di naman tayo.  Tapos ipatong mo na yung mga natirang graham. Then ibuhos mo uli yung kondensada at creamer. Patong patong. Bakit? Di ako nagseselos. Patong patong lang ang nararamdaman ko.  Di ko alam kung ipagpapatuloy ko pa itong nararamdaman ko or iiwasan na lang kita.  Make sure ilagay mo sa ref yang graham cake… o ilagay mo na lang dyan sa puso.  Pareho lang naman yun.  Baka nga mas malamig pa dyan sa puso mo eh

#scars


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I can still read your name on my right arm… they are all healed but i can still see the marks

Its like yesterday when i scribbled your name
Swearing why it hurts
Asking GOD why i love thee

Blood runs through my veins
The blood drips on the floor
The blade hums my endearing love

But time heals all wounds
Its true
Now its just a white mark
But my heart still has to heal thyself

I know in time ill get over you
My heart is still dripping with blood
Can i move on.

One tiny step
One last breath
One more chance

the art of letting go (instagram quotes)


The advent of instagram is truly remarkable.  Its one of the most active app i have and one of the most endearing social networks that i joined in.  The rest of the world can follow you and show your affection through a 4×4 post.  I followed endearing accounts such as Lessons Learned in Life, I Like To Quote, Pin Quotes, Positive Outlooks and much more to give that extra push on my daily grind.  Here are some quotes that i had posted which reminded my self-worth and dont forget to follow me as well: http://instagram.com/the_world_of_aj


the ART of LETTING GO (picture series 1)


 

“The Art of Letting Go” series is one successful blog entry that i decided to create a whole new series from images found in the ever popular  site TUMBLR, LOVEQUOTESPLUS and SEARCHQUOTES.  So i decided to bring it back and compile ten beautiful quotes that will surely inspire you, (my dear readers) to finally ‘let go’.

 

 

the most HEARTBREAKING text messages i have read … (series 4)


HANKY 31

Too many lies can weaken one’s trust…

Too much betrayal can cause a person to be afraid

And the sad truth is …

Too much pain felt by a loving heart can cause it to freeze

Till it goes numb by the never ending pain…

Until it doesn’t feel any love… anymore. (Sad but true)


HANKY 32

To love someone doesn’t mean to commit with that person.

Sometimes you just have to be satisfied with whatever connection you have with that special one.


HANKY 33

Isn’t it sad when you are so much in love right now,

but you cant freely let it out?

And your so DAMN scared to show it to all cause of one reason?

IT’S COMPLICATED

(gawd, this hits me right on my noggin – AJ)


HANKY 34

Are we really hurt because

we can’t tell the person we love what we really feel?


Or are we hurt because at the back of our minds

we know that telling the object of our affection what we really feel won’t make any difference

(now, I’m starting to cry…- AJ)


HANKY 35

People must try to be sensitive…cause not everyone is strong enough to endure pain.

After all there’s no anesthesia for a broken heart


HANKY 36

What makes us a fool???

When it hurt us to the core seeing the one you love with somebody else,

but still, you keep on staring.


HANKY 37

UNCERTAINTY is the biggest torture in love.

You feel jealous yet you can’t complain.

You can get hurt yet you can’t show it.

You can love with your all yet you cant say it.

All you can do is watch,

keep the pain, enjoy, the smiles, hugs and kisses then show much that person means to you


HANKY 38

The love you cant have….

Last as the longest

Feels the strongest

And hurts the MOST.


HANKY 39

They asked ‘how does it feel to love someone who love someone else?’

After a deep breath, he answered; ‘its like hugging a cactus, the tighter you embrace, the more it hurts’


HANKY 40

We keep on sticking to who we like, that’s why we never notice those who like us.

Sometimes were dying for someone who doesn’t care, while somebody’s already dead trying to please us…

my confession (finale)


Reality bites and it hurts. I never liked a guy for such a long time.  Im head over heels and I may not have seen the stop signs since I do liked him.  Its hard to slowly fall in love with a guy whom I knew I don’t have a future with.  So I prepare a little letter for you so if you stumble upon this blog somehow…  you may no longer remember my face by that time at least I hope you had that ‘a-ha’ moment and say ‘ahhhh… alam ko na


Hey,

First of all, sorry kung kailangan kong isulat sa blog ko yung tunay kong nararamdaman.  Wala naman kasi akong venue na maiparating sa iyo kung ano yung totoong feelings ko though paulit ulit kitang naikwekwento sa mga kaibigan ko sa floor. I bet nagdurugo na rin ang mga tenga ng kaibigan ko dahil sa paulit-ulit kong nababangit ang pangalan mo sa kanila.  And im writing this down kasi its my own way of letting go of a feeling na it wouldn’t flourish at all.  In fact, it would also be beneficial for you kasi na-eliminate ang potential stalker mo in one way or another.

Ganun kalaki ang ‘crush’ ko sa iyo.  Ika nga ‘if you love him, then learn to let go.  Its one way of gauging how much you love him if youre willing to give his freedom even if it will kill you’

Each time na nakikita kita, kinakabahan ako.  Magkahalong kaba at paghanga.  Ewan ko ba pero pilit kong iniwasan na makatitigan kita dahil baka lalo akong main-love.  Kaya nga para matapos ang pagiging lukaret ko, minabuti ko ng umiwas.

Nagpatanggal ako sa mentoring list dahil alam kong ma-aassign ako sa class nyo.  Hindi dahil sa kung anumang bagay na sinabi ko sa mga kaibigan mo.  Charing lang yun.  On the first place, gustong gusto kong makita ka every day.  I even try to look for your station and see if your there. I feel worried pag di kita nakita.  Baka may sakit ka or whatever pero Im relieved pag nalaman kong break mo lang pala.

Im sorry if I have to keep a distance.  A huge distance hanggang sa point na hindi pag pansin sa iyo.  Im sorry pero I have to do it. Or else, I might fall in love with you.

Sorry kung di kita pinapansin or binabawi ko ang tingin ko each time na makakasalubong kita.  Im  sorry kung ayaw man kitang batiin or pansinin.  Hindi dahil sa may ginawa ka sa akin pero im on a process na dapat malimutan ko na ang feelings ko sa iyo. Gusto ko ng makalimutan or ma-settle ang feelings ko sa iyo dahil alam ko masasaktan rin ako sa huli.

Kung ma-misinterpret mo man, ok lang.  I guess…  Kasi mas lalo akong masasaktan kung aasa akong one day ma-reciprocate mo ang feelings ko sayo.

Napakasaya ko last December ng pumayag kang magpakuha ng picture sa akin.  Siguro humugot ako sa beer and red wine just to ask you.  I even asked my friends to help me out.  Thank you ha… ansaya saya ko nun.

But reality needs to set in.  Last February 14, I spend time in front of my mobile thinking if I need to delete your number or not.  I cried when I finally decided to delete your number. It seems that I’m bidding goodbye to a sojourn lover.  I cant breath… but I guess I need to place a period afterall.

So now, im finally moving on.   Napakahirap pero I have to do it.  Again im sorry if I fall in love with you.

Sorry… Leo

my confession (part 3)


One text message received. Alas, the text message I have been waiting for days.

‘Hey… here’s my number …’

Fuck me… he really did texted back. I thought my heart will immediately burst out of excitement.  I just don’t know what to respond and up until this time while I’m writing this post… I don’t know what I have texted back.

What I do remember is the feeling. My heart beats faster.  I think my face were red and warm. I was jumping up and down.  I just cant help it.

Several text were sent back and forth.  Trying to make these nerves at ease since I’m too excited to respond.  I go ga-ga on each text messages.  How ga-ga I am… I stared at my mobile for several minutes waiting for each responses like a teenager waiting for his boyfriends text messages. I just have to quickly respond on each messages and thinking other things to fill in the conversation so I would know him better.  I gushed on every messages as if my feet are lifted off the ground while maintaining my composure without him knowing how much I long for each text messages.

One text struck the most … asking if I knew Haze and Hope?

Two of my fabulous and divine friends in the floor whose beauty surpasses any lads without exerting any effort.

I obliged and responded.  Admit that these fine ladies are my friends.

He then asked for their number?

I stood in silence…. Do I need to give their numbers?  Though I know their digits well hidden in my mobile – I opted not to give it since I firmly believe that phone numbers are somehow private and should not be given to anyone without utter permission  to its owner.  The agony of a cat fight and cat scrathes from these feline friends are some scenarios that spins in this tiny head.  I could recover from agony and the bleeding but it will kill me if ill loose their trust over a phone number.

So I opted to say that ‘I don’t know their phone numbers.’  Yup I lied to my teeth but I stick with what I know.

I told my friends on what happened and they are disgusted.  What a reaction… im still oblivious onto why they have such violent reaction. Im still on cloud 9 but I guess they may have heard something that is obviously unacceptable.  I didn’t knew why until my friend Raven spills reality up in front of my face.  ‘Anu ka ba naman bakla… ginagawa ka niyang phone book.  Magising ka sa katotohanan at huwag kang mangarap…  its hard to chase rainbows.  Baka magkakalyo ka.’

‘But I like him…’

MY CONFESSION (part 2)


On the following day… mentor pa rin ako sa batch nila. I already asked to be removed from the mentoring list by that time kaya nga lang workforce always change their line up after each month.  So my wish were not yet granted kaya kasama pa rin ang name ko sa mentoring class.

Pinalaki naman kasi ako ng mga magulang ko na ‘law abiding citizen’ kaya kahit malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko, I have to fulfill my duties.  I tried hard na wag lumapit.  Kahit na may mga questions, siya I asked someone else na tulungan siya.  Kaya kahit yung ibang agents na hindi naman nangngailangan ng tulong eh ako na mismo ang nagtatanong kung may kailangan sila. By that time, i’m ready to move forward at kahit madaganan man ako ng kisame sa kinatatayuan ko ay hinding hindi ako lalapit sa station niya.  Pero talagang mapagbiro ang tadhana, nagkataon yata na yung ibang mentors ay naka-break and ako ang naiwan na nag-mementor.  He do raised his hand and kahit feeling ko ay lalagnatin ako sa hiya ay napilitan akong lumapit.

In fairness, he did asked a question and I politely answered his inquiries.  I stayed with him until he had been able to close the call and serviced the client.  Kundangan rin naman na wala ring nagtatanong na ibang agents kaya im stucked with him.  Until he said ‘thank you’… I was about to leave his station and siguro hindi na rin siguro siya nakatiis, kaya when he had opportunity to explain himself… he grabbed that chance and explains head on.  He said that he kinda lost my phone number dahil ng minsan maglinis ang mother niya ay kasamang naitapon yung tissue na binigay ko sa kanya with number written all over it.  (so I guess someone in smokey mountain may have my number.  And yes…it did last an impression he is not really interested kasi hindi nya aga nasave yung phone number ko ng makuha niya yung cell phone niya.  I feel na parang bigla nyang kinuha ang puso ko at biglang binagsak sa floor plus tinapaktapakan niya…OUCH ANG SAKIT).

I could almost hear my heart beat and said ‘its fine… you don’t need to explain.  Its all in the past.’ I think my voice starts to break… I just cant help being too emotional…

Then the inevitable happens… he asked for my number.

I was hesitant by that time.  Baka patibong lang ng lalaking ito yung pa-sweet sweet niya. It seems my world suddenly stopped and my vision become blurry.  He said … ‘mukhang nagalit ka sa akin dahil di ako naka-respond.  Ang sensitive mo pala…’

‘naku wala yun.  Wala sa akin yun.  Tapos na naman…”

Pero deep inside.. I think im about to faint.  Halos sumabog ang dibdib ko habang sinasabi ko yun dahil iba ang dinidikta ng utak ko sa totoo kong nararamdaman. Parang gustong kumawala ang isang Annabelle Rama mula sa kaibuturan ng aking damdamin.

‘sige na, ill get your number and ill text you right away once I got home’

I just don’t want to give it to him.  I don’t want to feel the things I have felt before.  The insecurities, the denial, the endless tears… My head is spinning and i suddenly need to catch my breath…

I suddenly looked in his eyes… dreamy, full of kindness…

I surrender…

MY CONFESSION (part 1)


Now it can be told. For the past few months, I’ve been cradling this sojourn love for a new guy in work.  I fell in love and break my heart in the ordeal – without him even knowing what my feelings are. (I think…). Anyone who knew me may have squealed and snarled again as this happened before – a constant scenario in my little head, once they read a sentence of this post. (ika nga, di na ako nadala… hayyy)

So forgive me people for I have to write it down.  Writing something about my past feeling gives this little head and foolish heart a sort of signal that ‘it’s alright to let go and everything must come to an end … anyway.’ It’s like placing a ‘period’ in a long paragraph which tells a story of an egg and a chicken ‘which-comes-first’ over and over and over again.

You may want to ask – how did it happen…

I met him at work… he is a new guy from another account and the moment I saw him – I’ve got an instant crush.  I don’t know why since he is not that tall naman and hindi rin naman siya maputi. Hindi rin naman maituturing na hunk kasi di naman gym material ang biceps and triceps nya. In short, very average as my friend said.  Pero there is something in his eyes na hindi ko talaga makalimutan. I have to admit, based on my aesthetic standard, pasado siya sa akin sa charming and good looking division.  His aura is more of sexual for me and I felt that he is this kind of guy na kapag naiwan kami sa kwarto, kahit ihi na lang ang pahinga at buong araw kaming magkulong without anything ay pwedeng pwede. Ika nga ni DJ Alvaro – he looks like ‘maginoo pero medyo bastos.

I believe, ‘Live each day to the fullest – one day at a time.  So what are you waiting for, grab LIFE by the balls’. Basta if I like a guy, I have to show in one way or another and I will take that first step to know him.

What I have done is I asked for his cell phone number thru a girl na kasama niya sa batch.  Its vague kung ano ang mga sumunod na nangyari but I think I was the one who gave my cell phone number which I write down in a piece of tissue na nakuha ko sa station.  Since hindi nya daw dala ng cellphone nya and hindi rin niya memorized ang sim number, he promised that he will text his number once he got home.  On the next day, napuyat ako sa kahihintay ng first text nya sa akin.  Tumagal ng 2 araw hanggang isang linggong paghihintay pero wala akong natangap na text.  Hindi ko na rin siya nakita sa floor and honestly I don’t what happened.

By then, I accepted the fact na he is not interested.  Sad pero I have to move on.

After several months, I saw a familiar face – fresh from months of training.  God, his here. He finished training and he is here to stay. Hindi ko na rin siya pinansin since I fully recovered by that time.  Nailabas ko na rin naman sa cyberspace ang hapdi nang nararamdaman ko kaya settled na ang emotions ko.  Kumbaga, naisigaw ko na ang lahat ng remorse ko sa kalawakan and i’m strong enough to move forward.

Tila nga yata ang tadhana ay mapagbiro. Naging isa ako sa mentor sa batch nila during nesting.  Di ko alam na batch pala niya ang tuturuan ko.  Kahit na malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko, tutal andyan na yan at pare pareho lang naman kaming nagtratrabaho… go lang ako. Though talagang sinubukan kong iwasan ang station nya and avoid eye contact pero hindi ko naman maiiwasan sagutin ang tanong nya na related sa work namin.  Siguro, nahalata niya na iniiwasan ko siya hanggang siya na mismo ang mag tanong...

‘Im sorry… youre AJ right?’

‘yes…  Do you have a question?’

‘Not really…  you were the guy who gave his number to me… ’

‘Yes I’m the same guy.’

Then silence… takes a deep breath then I said ‘its fine.  You don’t have to worry and explain anything. I get it.  I can take rejection and its fine with me. Thanks’

Muntik nang mahulog ang luha ko kaya pinigilan ko na lang and walked away.

4 easy steps guaranteed to make you SMILE!


Rejected by the guys whom you thought you’ll say ‘forever’ or he abandons you in the middle of nowhere without a word.

Maybe, you don’t like what you see in the mirror and seems that no one even finds you charming.

Better yet, you gave up because no one finds you attractive!!


Well… im no expert but everything i have described are the one i feel… today.


but there is yearning voice at the back of my head YELLING ‘SNAP OUT OF IT…MORON”. And we come to realize that listening would’nt hurt a bit but rather help us in finding ourselves once again.  Finally, another lightbulb moment: We fail to be happy cause we are not satisfied with what we have.

So here are a few satisfaction guidelines that i could you share and i hope that will help you as well:


    do not hold on to something that would never be yours


    do not fight for someone not worth fighting for


    do not cry for something lost, gone and inevitable


    appreciate what you have and be thankful for whatever things people give you

happiness is a mere conduct of the mind. Everyone can be happy as long as they really want too.



I want to be HAPPY and I WILL….